What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 09:16
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
What was the craziest place that you had sex with someone in public?
I have no regrets .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i lived it daily.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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I write beautiful poetry .
We all went to grammer schools
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
What is your most intimate experience with your best friend?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
What did i know ?
I was 9 years of age.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was scared of men, in general
Who is the most dangerous or evilest person of all time?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But it wasn’t much.
What is the most craziest dream you ever had?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Do other British people agree that the UK should reconquer Ireland?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She wouldn,t have been !
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We were not on the streets..
Can a 40-year-old date a 20-year-old?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is soul school!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Ive learnt so much.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She married twice! .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Comes on , in middle age.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She found it foreign!.
I will be 64.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was seconnd youngest,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He knew the spot.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
All the time i was locked up.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So whats the point in blame.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Who then, do I blame.?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I don,t even have a pension.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I said to her
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was very sick at this time too.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He resisted the act ,that day.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Would this be the day?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I waited trembling.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im still living with it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
When she asked me how she looked .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My family never makes their pension either.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
(And it was in our own minds.)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She was in good health!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So, i spoilt her more .
My life is so biszare .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One cannot live in the past .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She loved him until the end.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Put me off passion for life!!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
It was going to be , some day.
But, we were locked up after school.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I think the readers, may guess!